Don't Say "Soiling the Nest" to Her
My personal aversion to the term "soiling the nest" is because I worked 25 years in high schools and know kids HATE it when their parents say that.
Saying "soiling the nest" creates instant distance between parents and their rising college freshmen.
Basically, it sounds to 18-year-olds like, "you're miserable to live with and I'll be glad when you leave."
Ouch.
Sometimes we DO feel that way because our recently-graduated Seniors tend to become moody little creatures who ARE tough to live with.
They think they have it all figured out. They treat their siblings terribly. They think we are stupid. They spend more time with their friends. They push us away.
It's no bueno.
Yet, when we name this behavior as "soiling the nest" and SAY THIS TO THEM in the heat of the moment (this includes when we're with our friends and say, "Ann Margaret is driving me crazy! She is soiling the nest!" and they HEAR US), we are essentially talking shit about them.
We are labeling them (and let's remember how much individuating teens like to be labeled...like, never).
When you give a teen girl a label and it's not directed at her with love and acceptance and a heartfelt explanation, it never goes well.
For example, you can have every intention of supporting your college freshman through this difficult summer of transition. You can read all the blogs and posts, listen to the firsthand accounts from your friends, and vow to keep your cool. Yet, when your daughter gets an attitude about eating dinner at home tonight because she's going out with her friends instead (out of the blue, of course), you are hurt by this rejection of your dinner tradition (totally normal), and you say, "you're just soiling the nest!"
She will GLARE at you with those devil eyes and will feel an instant detachment from you. You are labeling her. She does not like to be labeled. You are telling her that you cannot handle her behavior and she needs to just move on. You are telling her that she is a problem. Even if your comment is not ill-intended, this is how teenagers hear those words.
Girls who are preparing for college move-in tell me that they feel "sad and lonely" when their parents say they are soiling the nest. They've told me it makes them "pissed off" and "offended." These are their words. We should listen to them.
Remember: she's acting like this because she is afraid. She is facing what is most likely the biggest transition of her life. She is unsure of herself. She has always been in control, and now she feels out of control. She is on shaky ground.
She needs your support.
So, here are three things you can do to help ease this transition anxiety.
And, surprise! #1 actually lets you say "soiling the nest!"
You can talk to her about what soiling the nest means. Tell her it's an actual psychological term and do some research about it together . You can even find the humor in the behaviors you find! Tell her that you are here to help her understand this process. It's your first time going through this with her, too (even if you've done it before with older siblings...it's your first time with HER--hint: this makes her feel special and heard and works every time).
You can stop taking her behavior personally. Yes, I know. This one is tough, and as a parent of a high school daughter and college son, I have to remind myself of this daily (sometimes hourly on hard days). But it's honestly not personal. She is scared and is trying to convince herself that she can do all of this growing up on her own. She needs you, though. I tell my clients that this time reminds me of the 7th grade power struggle. Remember when she was a 7th grade beast who hated everything and everybody and you loved her through it? This honestly isn't much different. It's not personal.
You can be a scientist instead of a mom. Think of this as your invitation to become a social scientist: you are seeing in real time what it's like to observe a teenager who is terrified, yet excited about starting an entirely new chapter in life (and sometimes hundreds of miles away). You can ask yourself questions about her behavior to pull you away from your own feelings. Neutrally observe rather than judge. When you remove yourself as the main character and become the scientist, you watch and question rather than judge and react. It's a strategy I also use when I'm uncomfortable in social situations. I just observe behaviors like a neutral social scientist and it's fun!
Soiling the nest is real, but we also need to understand the negative impact this term can have on kids when it's thrown around casually among parent circles.
Be the mom who doesn't participate. You can let others say it. I have to all the time. You are now aware of what it does to teens, and you can be the mom who understands how it makes kids feel.
This also gives you permission to support other teens whose parents are announcing their nest soiling to the whole room, while their teen is glowering in the corner. Go support that kid and tell them you understand. They will smile and be forever grateful for your tenderness.
We're in this together. You're stronger than you think you are, and I've always got your back.
🩵, Suzanne
Suzanne Hanna, Ed.S. | Life Coach for College Girls
