She's Graduating, Mom, and You're Not Okay
Sweet Mama, It's Not Easy
(tips from a college life coach to help make her transition to college a little easier)
Is there anything more emotionally draining than imagining dropping off your baby girl at college?
I mean, from birth, we commit to memory the fact that we aren't EVER to leave our babies unattended! We have to keep her alive, warm, fed, loved, and protected. We program our brains to care for her: we set timers, we use post-it notes, we make lists, we set alarms. We do our dang college best to be good moms.
Now, you're telling us we have to drop off our darlings in a town that's miles and miles away and full of stupid college boys and challenging professors and hundreds of girls who might be brats to her and we are supposed to just be okay??
You are 100% normal for feeling any or all of these wild emotions that come in powerful waves during high school graduation and college prep season. It's tough, but I promise you are tougher.
Spending 25 years in schools (23 in high schools), means that I understand what our girls are going through, and I also understand what you are going through as a mom since my oldest is in college. I'm also a Life Coach for College Girls, so clients tell me every day what they are struggling with, and I listen.
I'm offering you a few tips to support you in getting her prepared for this next, very big, step.
Graduation Day is When It All Changes: I've Watched In Real Time
The exact moment she graduates, something seismic shifts in her, so get ready.
As an Assistant Principal in large high schools, I ushered thousands of kids across the graduation stage. Before the ceremony, the graduates are all lined up in alphabetical order like proper little ducklings. Their caps and gowns are ironed and their eyes are full of sparkly anticipation.
They follow each other in a practiced line, are seated carefully and quietly with the guidance of teachers and Junior Marshals, and then they head to the graduation stage.
The seismic shift happens after she walks across the stage. It's because her life will literally never be the same again. There are unique reasons for this that you might not have thought of, so keep reading and it will make sense.
The Seismic Shift
The girl that exits the stage has just left behind the longest, most organized, and scheduled time of her entire life. For 13 years (think Kindergarten to 12th grade) she has been in school and followed school schedules.
Schools are well-oiled machines with teachers who keep strict routines, bells that alert kids when to change classes and when to eat and when to go home.
She will never in her lifetime have another 13 years with such scheduled and expected routines. Her world just went from military-like precision to a summer full of down time and then college with its inherent loosey-goosey scheduling.
After accepting her diploma, her daily life changes drastically. There are no more bells ringing. No more organized lines. No more homeroom teachers making sure she has turned in paperwork. No more coaches sending Remind messages about practice. She is on her own for the first time ever. It will never be the same, and it can upend her if she's not prepared.
This loss of a measured daily plan will change her. Some girls embrace it with gusto, and hop straight into her summer internship and decorating her dorm room. Some girls freak out and become a stranger who gets surprise piercings and rebelliously breaks curfew. Some girls retreat and snuggle more closely to you and tell you she's scared and not ready for college and wants to stay home.
In my experience, girls can display any or all of behaviors and vaciliate between as well.
This is normal, Mama. Promise.
How You Can Prepare Her for this Shift in Routine and Structure
The first thing you need to do is to be honest with her about the change in structure. She certainly hasn't thought about it to the extent she should (because you don't know what you don't know), and you will be doing her a disservice to not take the time to explain.
Even if she thinks she's Little Miss Independent right now, she has no clue that she's attached to her current schedule and doesn't know any different. She's wild-eyed and naive, and she needs to know that she will have literally hours each day of unstructured time this summer, and especially when she lands in college.
In college, most students have maybe 2-3 hours max of class time per day. That leaves 22 hours of free time. Every. Single. Day. She needs to know that creating a routine is a must, out of the gate.
What's most important for you to communicate to her is that this routine is HER responsibility to create and follow. Nobody is there in college to make sure she has brushed her teeth and eaten protein and hydrated and put on clean underwear. It's up to her.
Time management is crucial in college, not only because college requires much more focused study and reading time, but because she has to learn to deal with boredom. That's your next item of business to cover with your girl.
Boredom in College is an Unexpected Challenge
If your girl is Little Miss Busy Body in high school, she will hit a wall in college if she isn't made aware that she will find herself feeling very bored, very quickly.
Think about it, high school is probably the busiest time in her entire life. She reports to school for 8 straight hours. She then goes to her sports practice or rehearsal or club meeting. Then she goes straight to her part time job. Then she comes home to her family and eats and then does her homework. Rinse and repeat the next day. That's a crazy-full itinerary.
When she arrives at college, she will have hours and hours each day with nothing to "do." She needs to be prepared for this before she goes. High school kids are never really alone: they are in class with peers, in hallways and cafeterias with peers, at games with peers, and are at home with family.
She will be alone in college, and she will be alone more than she's probably accustomed. And that coupled with boredom can be a nasty duo.
She will learn how to handle it, but being aware there will be hours of unplanned time doesn't mean anything is wrong with her if she feels uncomfortable and bored. She isn't doing college wrong, as she might try to convince herself or you. If you bolster her with this knowledge before she experiences it, she will be more compassionate with herself when she feels yucky.
Explain to her that this is part of the growth process and how adulting works. Real life isn't like K-12, and the super scheduled days are over. She can certainly create a busy schedule, but, remember to teach her that this is her responsiblity.
Colleges and universities have many planned activites for freshmen, and she needs to get involved. Yes, she will feel uncomfortable and goofy (but remind her that everyone around her feels the exact same way). There will be activites on her dorm hall sponsored by her RA, activities sponsored by clubs and organizations, and plenty of things to do at the Student Union. She might rush, she might join a church, she might join a rec sports team. The options are endless, so don't let her convince you otherwise when she calls in a panic.
Your Two Big Take-Aways
She is going to be different the day of graduation and that's normal. She needs you to explain to her how her K-12 scheduled life is now over forever, and time management is now her responsibility. She can do it. Make sure she has the tools.
Boredom and being alone are part of the freshman college experience. Knowing that up to 22 hours a day are unstructured will help her not beat herself up when she feels uncomforable being bored and feeling untethered.
I Could Talk About What She Needs for Dayssss: Want Me To?
As a College Girl Life Coach, I see firsthand what our girls need to feel successful, both academically and emotionally. I honestly could write suggestions for moms every day and not have enough time to cover it all.
Would you like for me to make this a series for moms? If you are interested, please send me an email ([email protected]) and let me know what areas you'd like to receive advice. I'm all ears. My mission is to make life for our girls easier and to help them feel more confident and self-reliant. I'm here for you both!
If you believe your daughter would benefit from having me to coach her before she heads to college, I'd love to talk to you about how I can help! Book your free 30 minute consultation with me and we'll make a plan for her success: Book a Session with Suzanne
