Stop Asking Your College Freshman "How Are You?" Here's What to Ask Instead

You finally get her on the phone.

You've been waiting (practically dying) all day for this. You have approximately four minutes before she says "I gotta go," and you want to know EVERYTHING: is she eating? is she sleeping? does she have friends? is she okay??

So you ask the obvious questions.

"How are you?"

"Fine."

"Are you making friends?"

"Yeah."

"Okay... love you, bye."

And just like that, your four minutes are gone and you know nothing more than you did before you called. You put your phone down and feel that emptiness growing in your stomach. It deeply hurts when this happens (I've been there many times with my own kids). I think it's a form of rejection, and that never feels good.

I promise you, though, she still wants to talk to you. The questions we default to as parents — the big, vague, well-meaning ones — sound like an interview to an 18-year-old who is exhausted, overstimulated, and doesn't have the words to describe her whole new life in one phone call.

One innocent question can irritate her, and then the information stops. And once she's annoyed, she's one sentence away from getting off the phone, or worse, letting your next call go to voicemail.

We walk a tightrope with our college freshmen because they are trying to establish themselves in a new space, but they are also drawn like magnets to us. We represent the past and safety, and they are looking at the present in a new environment that might not feel quite safe yet. It's very confusing for them.

And, what do teens do when they are confused? They get snarky, go silent, or avoid answering questions.  

As a life coach for college girls and a former high school assistant principal, I know a thing or two about how to ask teenagers questions. It's all in the delivery. So here's what I want you to try instead, which is six of the classic parent questions, swapped out for versions that actually get an answer.

Instead of "Are you making friends?" try:

• "Who's the person you've met who lives the farthest away?"

• "Anyone you'd want to grab food with on a random Tuesday?"

• "Who is the funniest person you've met so far?"

Instead of "Are you eating healthy?" try:

• "What's the best meal you've had on campus?"

• "What's something you'll never eat again?"

• "What's your go-to snack when you're studying?"

Instead of "Do you miss me?" try:

• "Where are you when you feel the most comfortable?"

• "What would make this week feel a little easier?"

• "Is there anything you want me to send you or bring next time?"

Instead of "Are you getting enough sleep?" try:

• "What do you usually end up doing at like 10pm?"

• "Are you finding time to chill, or is it nonstop?"

• "What's been the most relaxing part of your week?"

Instead of "How are your grades?" try:

• "What class is most interesting right now?"

• "What's been the hardest thing to figure out?"

• "Any professors you actually like so far?"

Instead of "How's class?" try:

• "What's your week looking like — anything stressful coming up?"

• "Learn anything random this week that surprised you?"

• "Is there a class you'd tell a friend to take?"

Here's why this works. The original questions all have a right answer and a wrong answer built into them, even if you didn't mean it that way. "Are you making friends?" has a correct answer (yes) and a scary one (no), and college freshmen do not want to feel like what they are doing is wrong.

The swapped questions are built strategically with curiosity and don't have a right answer at all. They zoom in on one small moment instead of grading a whole category of her new life. Also, a specific question is so much easier to answer than a giant one. "Who's the funniest person you've met" takes a few seconds to answer, and "are you making friends" takes an emotional inventory she's probably not ready to endure.

I know how badly you want to ask ALL the questions. Try these instead of the same old boring ones, and watch what happens to the conversation.

You're stronger than you think you are, and I've always got your back.

🩵, Suzanne

Follow along and I'll help make your college experience better for all parties involved! Come find me on Instagram @suzannehannacoaching for more real talk like this, and join my email list at suzannehannacoaching.com for weekly encouragement and to be the first to know when my coaching waitlist opens.