What It's Really Like When Your College Kid Comes Home & How to Be a Better Parent

Sometimes I forget my own advice to parents of college students (I’m a college life coach and former high school assistant principal).

My own college son just came home for the first time since the holidays (but, who’s counting the days since he left? not me, nope wouldn’t do that).

He came home for his dad’s birthday. Sounds so homey and family-ish and loving, right?

The College Homecoming I Pictured

I envisioned him wrapping us in his arms as he smiled widely, recounting all of his college antics, and sharing his professors’ insights which he carefully pondered the whole ride home.

What a joke.

What Actually Happened

He came home a whole day later than he said he would, having driven a friend home, too, so now he’s leaving earlier than we thought.

He smelled like a girl had been wallering all over him the night before. He needed a shower. He put mounds of laundry by the washer.

He also had no intention of sharing any information about anything.

Thankfully we weren’t at home when he arrived. I'm assuming he reunited with the dogs, grabbed his favorite drink from the fridge (because his mother makes sure all of his favorite foods are available), and crashed on the couch with his ratty blanket. He watched some cartoon with subtitles and didn’t say any words. This is just based on evidence; he didn't report that he was home or tell me when he was arriving.

He stayed like that for hours. When we got home, he did say hello and smiled. Yay.

The Weird Mom Spiral

Cue the weird mom behavior from me: I stared at him, touched his face and his hair and his arms, and analyzed his collection of bracelets (probably from said girl). Why do we do this, moms??

He was very annoyed with me, so I stopped the obsessive behavior.

Inside, I was disappointed and sad. I felt rejected.

Why didn't he want to come in the kitchen and tell me everything about everything? Did he not miss me?

Why isn't he asking ME questions about life at home since he's been gone?

I thought about how we pay for his tuition, and I don’t even have a clue what he’s learning or how he’s learning or anything about anything.

Raising a college student is no joke, people. Boy or girl. It doesn't matter.

Then I Remembered My Own Advice

We set unrealistic expectations when we dream about their arrival and all the family activities they'll be so excited to participate in.

Part of the parenting journey is allowing yourself to feel the feelings of disappointment, rejection, or sadness when our kids come home and don’t act the way we carefully planned for them to act.

It’s what mature people do. I know, I know.

We calmly let the feelings arrive. We name them and sit with them for a bit. Then we decide how we respond to them.

Remember, we RESPOND. We don't react.

Could I have reacted and marched in there and said, “I missed you! You’re ignoring your mommy! Turn off that tv and tell me things!” I certainly could have; I wanted to.

Could I have reacted by having a temper tantrum and acting immature (sighing loudly and slamming cabinets)? Absolutely.

Could I have reacted by giving him the silent treatment (like it felt like he was giving me)? Yep.

But, I didn’t react.

It was not easy.

The Truth About College Kid Re-Entry

I reminded myself that college kids have their own, unique re-entry process.

We have to give our kids at least 24 hours to readjust to the home situation.

They have been living in a prison-sized room with feral kids under fluorescent lights where loud noises and constant overstimulation rack their brains.

Kids feel comfortable and safe at home and go straight to what calms their nervous systems: their pets, their cozy blankets, their couch, their beds.

Here's the Part We Forget

We feel badly when we aren't the first means of comfort our college kids seek when they return home. They pet the dog, go straight to their rooms, or maybe make plans with their friends.

But, here's the thing: all of this comfort IS US! We provide this safe space for them! They are feeling accepted, soothed, and are able to relax at home. Home is safety, and we make sure that is available for them.

Isn’t that what we provided for them as children? They just want to be safe. It’s actually beautiful.

After I reminded myself that he just needs some time to re-acclimate to home life after his Animal House situation on campus, I let go of my pity party. I quit staring at him like a weirdo. I didn’t ask any more questions.

How the Night Ended

We watched our favorite show together on the couch after his favorite dinner, which he didn't tell me he wanted, btw, I just made it.

(I mean, he did eat dinner with us and hang out–why am I complaining?).

He snapped his friends and watched their stupid videos more than the show but whatever. He was there with us.

We’ll see what the rest of the weekend holds. I am following my own rule and giving him 24 hours. He'll be normal after he sleeps. Happens every time!

24 Hour Re-Entry Rule For the Win

Parenting at this stage is so hard. Our kids are dealing with real life issues on their own, and they wrangle with sex and drugs and alcohol and AI and social media and a world that is on fire.

Let’s give them space to calm their nervous systems, rest, and feel safe. Giving them some time to re-acclimate is kind and really not a big deal.

Wouldn’t you like to crawl onto your childhood couch sometimes with a parent who played with your hair and told you everything is okay?

The 24 Hour Re-Entry Rule will save you a lot of grief and will help strengthen your relationship with your college kid. It doesn't come naturally to do this, so you'll have to remind yourself every time they come home.

I have to remind myself every-single-time, and I made up the rule, lol. You can do it!