It’s not fair that she has clearer skin than you, or gets better grades than you, or runs faster than you, or has more money than you, or has the cutest boyfriend. 

It’s not fair. 100% not.

I’m going to help you, tell you how to feel better, and show you how to stop yourself from spiraling into the depths of comparison.  

Here’s the thing, when we think things are unfair, we are comparing ourselves to somebody else who has something we don’t, and that leads to jealousy (which makes you feel angry, not good enough, and usually steals your joy).

It’s normal to be jealous of someone when you compare yourself to them. You are normal.

Yet, when you focus on being jealous and obsess over how unfair life is, you are literally torturing yourself. Some of the side effects are low motivation, negative self-talk, and exhaustion.

The first step is (and this one is pretty harsh, so buckle up butter cup):

Get Over It, Sis.

They are allowed have their thing.

Accept that life isn’t fair. It actually makes your life easier when you accept it. It is what it is.

I know, I know. It's not easy to do this.

This next part will make you feel better, promise. This idea is insipred by Mel Robbins' book The Let Them Theory, and I think it will help you better understand the comparison loop and a practial strategy to get out of it.

There are two types of comparison, comparison that either:

1. TORTURES you, or 

2. TEACHES you.

You begin this process by asking yourself: What am I doing when I compare?

Am I torturing myself, OR

is this teaching me something valuable?

The torture type of comparison is triggered by other people who have: natural talents, fast metabolism, athleticism, trust funds, etc.  

Is it unfair that people have these things and you don’t? Heck yes. 

Is there anything you can do to change these things? Heck no.

When you obsess over this whilst scrolling through their perfectly curated social media posts, you are draining your energy and zapping your motivation.

You are torturing yourself because you are obsessing over something that you cannot have.

You’ll never have it, so stop making yourself miserable.

The second type of comparison is teaching you something. 

In opposition to the torture type of comparison, which makes you green with envy, this type of comparison lights a fire under your cute little booty and gets you moving in an actionable direction.

When you compare yourself to someone, you are recognizing something in YOU that YOU can achieve! It’s really eye-opening to look at it this way.

For example, if I am suffering from a lack of motivation and am just not able to complete my assignments on time, I might come across a girl online whose social media page boasts her studying techniques. 

She appears motivated, satisfied, and clearly finished her work because she has adopted effective study habits (which she shares and it gets thousands of likes, ugh). 

I am comparing myself to her, and I am initially jealous because I am annoyed that she is doing the things I should be doing. 

THIS IS THE SPECIAL SAUCE, PEOPLE! 

This annoyance is irritating because you know that you are absolutely capable of doing what she’s doing and could easily adopt these strategies to get your work done. 

And, THIS is a thing you have the absolute power to change!

So, I've learned that instead of wallowing and torturing myself, I use my irritation (which started as comparison) to motivate me to LEARN directly from this girl’s playbook! 

She is giving me the blueprint for success! 

When we use comparison to learn, we are opening so many doors for ourselves.

We recognize the potential of ourselves in others. 

It’s presenting a mirror image of what we are capable of doing, if we choose to learn instead of feel tortured. 

We just have to do the work, do the thing, and get started. Why not begin feeling already ahead by using the exact formula that she is putting right in your face? 

This view of comparison blew my mind.

Comparison is natural and we all do it. So, instead of torturing ourselves trying to change things we can’t (perfect bodies, etc.), we have to just allow the girls to have perfectly proportioned bodies. 

That’s not what we can control. Don’t torture yourself anymore.

What we CAN control gives us the choice to LEARN from comparison. 

Honestly, I’ve learned 90% of what I know about social media from following people I admire and doing what they do (of course, I put my own spices and words into it while always honoring their creative integrity, but they handed me the formula for success!).

We are descendents of thousands of bad ass women who have paved the way for us. Instead of tearing each other down or paralyzing ourselves in comparison, let's learn from them, honor their work, and spread love instead of hate!

I hope you try this strategy. It's a strategy that you'll use every day.

We don't just stop comparing. We recognize when we are, and then we reframe our thinking with this strategy. It's a discipline that you're totally capable of following.

I talk to girls every single day who are suffering from comparison. Instead of suffering and torturing yourself, let go of what cannot happen. Embrace what CAN happen by choosing to LEARN. 

You're stronger than you think you are, and I've always got your back.

Source
Robbins, M. (2024). The Let Them Theory: A Tool That Millions of People Can Use to Stop Wasting Energy on What They Can’t Control and Start Focusing on What Really Matters. Hay House.

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Disclaimer: This blog is totally my opinion and should not serve as medical or psychiatric advice. I never use AI: I write my own words.

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