The number one question I get as a Life Coach for College Girls is this:

"How do I make friends?"

I hear it from girls in their first weeks of college, overwhelmed and wondering if everyone else feels like them. I hear it from sophomores who thought it would get easier by now. I hear it from girls who have just joined sororities and feel like they don't belong. And I hear it from their moms, sliding into my dm's, asking how they can help their daughter who desperately texts that she has no friends and wants to come home.

My answer is always the same. It's simple, a little uncomfortable, delivered with love always, and completely true:

If you want to hang out with people, you have to hang out with people.

You're Not Bad at Making Friends

The first thing I want you to know, whether you're the girl reading this in her dorm room or the mom who forwarded it to her, is that struggling to make friends doesn't mean something is wrong with you. It means you're human, and you're probably doing what most people do: waiting for it to happen instead of making it happen.

The sometimes-hard-to-swallow truth is: nobody is magically coming to your dorm room and proclaiming, "we're friends now!" The girls who seem to have full, beautiful social lives aren't luckier than you, and they aren't more likeable than you. They most likely put themselves out there first. They said yes when they were overwhelmed, sent the invite before they felt ready, and showed up even when it was awkward. They made it happen.

And here's something worth saying out loud: this isn't just a college-girl problem. Every mom I know has felt this too. After a move, a job change, after the kids grow up and the social life that once revolved around school pickups and sports suddenly disappeared. The longing for connection doesn't have an age limit. Neither does the solution. I've been there.

What Staying In Is Actually Costing Her

I want to be gentle here, but I also want to be honest, because I think y'all deserve that. Every night spent alone in that room, whether she's scrolling, watching everyone else's stories, or telling herself "maybe next weekend," is a night not spent building the friendships that will carry her through the next four years and beyond.

She's not just missing out on fun. She's missing out on the friend who becomes her person. The late-night conversations she'll talk about at 35. The confidence that only comes from real human connection. This is the version of herself that only emerges when she feels truly seen by someone who chose her (and this is what we all want as humans: to belong).

Moms, I know you see this, and I know how hard it is to watch. The best thing you can do is keep reminding her, kindly and without pressure, that she is worth knowing and that the world outside her door is not as intimidating as it feels from the inside. Share this blog with her. Talk about it over dinner or over your daily phone calls. And maybe, ask yourself if there's a version of this invitation that applies to your own life, too.

Friendship Is a Skill, Not a Gift

Here's what I wish someone had told me when I was waaaaay younger, and what I tell every girl I coach: friendship is not something you either have or you don't. It's not a personality trait you were born with or without. It is a skill. And like every skill, it can be learned, practiced, and improved.

You learned to walk. You learned to drive (well, some of you). You can learn this.

The formula is beautifully simple: hang out with people, and friendships form. Repeated exposure plus showing up equals connection. That's all it is.

Yet, the hard part isn't the formula. The hard part is believing you're worth showing up for, and then doing it anyway.

The Science That Should Make You Feel Better

I want to give you something concrete to hold onto, because I think we all do better when we know the science is on our side. A 2018 study by Dr. Jeffrey Hall at the University of Kansas followed first-year college students and found that close friendships developed in just three to nine weeks when students spent regular time together.

Not years. Weeks.

Three to nine weeks. That's less than a semester. That's October to December, or January to March.

You are not years away from friendship. You are weeks away. But only if you start.

Two Things to Try This Week

Here are two very straightforward options for you to try because a long list is just another reason to crawl under your covers and stay in your room (we are moving past that, right?!).

Say yes more. When someone asks you to hang out, say yes. Even when you're tired, even when you don't know them that well, even when it feels a little uncomfortable (but always make sure you feel safe). The yes is worth it because if you absolutely hate the situation and can't wait for it to end, then you have data that this person isn't your person! Then you move on. It's a learning experience. And moms, if your daughter tells you someone asked her to do something this week, cheer that yes on.

Be the inviter. Don't wait for someone else to go first; be brave and welcome others into your orbit. Ask the girl in your lab group, the guy you ride the elevator with every day, the person who laughed at the same thing you did in class. Invite them for coffee, a walk, ice cream, lunch in the dining hall. A simple, low-stakes invitation is all it takes to begin. This works at every age. I've seen it change everything for college girls and for the moms who were brave enough to try it too.

You're Stronger Than You Think You Are

To the girl reading this: I know putting yourself out there feels scary. I know it opens you up to rejection, to awkwardness, to the possibility that they might not say yes. But I also know this: the version of you who sends the text, who says yes, who shows up even when it's hard? That girl builds a life full of people who love her, and YOU are completely capable of being her!

To the mom reading this: you already know what your daughter is capable of. Keep telling her. Keep believing in her out loud. And don't forget that you deserve a full life surrounded by good people too.

Hanging out is how it begins. One yes. One invite. One coffee. That's where everything starts.

If you want to hang out with people, you have to hang out with people!

You're stronger than you think you are, and I've always got your back.

🩵, Suzanne

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