Your Daughter is Freaking Out And You Don’t Know What To Say: How Responding and Not Reacting Saves You Every Time

Our teen daughters always bring it on: the energy, the passion, the attitude, and the inevitable emotional roller coaster. It can be a wild ride! We’ve all heard the parenting advice of “not getting on the roller coaster” when she has one of her doozies of a tantrum (yes, the behavior can be toddler-like so it’s beyond difficult to not scream in frustration). While I do love the visual model this roller coaster advice provides as you can see yourself watching the emotional roller coaster ride from the sidelines instead of participating, I believe it is our responsibility as moms to use these moments to teach our daughters how to respond to emotional crises. Our natural inclination as caregivers is to go straight into reactionary “fix it” mode, so this “response” approach takes strategy, patience, and practice.

Because I am a teacher at heart, I believe we learn best from real-life examples with actual dialogue to put into practice. Here are two common situations you might encounter and responses you can use to respond instead of react.

Situation #1: Friend Drama

She gets in your car and, through tears of rabid frustration, says her friend group fractured in 5th period because she was accused of talking about another friend. She is adamant she did not call her friend “thirsty,” but the mean girls have erupted into their instantaneous ganging-up-on-another-friend reaction and your baby girl is now at the center of their nasty little comments and snaps and eye rolls. She is devastated, hurt, and angry.

Because you are held hostage in your car, she is piercingly loud, her tears are painful to watch, and this drums up alllll the old memories when this very same thing happened to you. You immediately go to a 10. You probably want to say, “well, she’s just a trashy little twit and you are better than this.” That is what I would automatically think, to be honest. But, this is basically immature gossip. This name-calling of another person is doing the exact same thing the girls have done to your daughter. It is “othering” another human being (who has been her best friend since 2nd grade) and reacting like a teenager. It’s immature to react like this (I know, I know). 

Before you quickly spat out a reaction, pause. You are perfectly capable of responding thoughtfully. Responding requires patience and deep compassion. Take a breath and tap into your compassion. See the situation for what it is: a misunderstanding that was blown out of proportion. You can say, “This sounds awful/tough/difficult/hard and it makes total

sense that it bothers you.” This acknowledges her feelings and validates her (she’s still a kid and needs to know you care and aren’t judging). Ultimately, it is her responsibility to deal with this situation. Your gifts of connection and understanding build her confidence and encourage self-reflection. In my experience, that’s ultimately what teen girls need from trusted adults.

Let her have her emotional reaction. Let her cry and get it out. Never say, “you’re fine” or “you need to stop crying.” When she gets more rational, you can ask her my favorite question: “Okay, do you need a hammer or a sponge?” She gets to choose which one. The hammer choice means she wants me to share my advice on how to fix the situation. The sponge choice means I just soak up her emotions and thoughts like a sponge and hold back my advice. Giving her this choice allows for her to be in control (our girls like to be Miss Independent), and also gives you a playbook for responding. You will be able to give her what she needs. I personally love the hammer choice because I want to fix everything, but my own daughter always chooses the sponge (sigh).

Side Note: Your daughter might get infuriated that you are not proclaiming to the masses that she is innocent, and she might want you to start a text group with her friends’ moms to plead her case of innocence. Do. Not. Do. This. Mom text groups about their children

(beyond logistics of carpooling, etc.) are emotionally immature. If you’re in one of these groups, consider politely removing yourself. You are fanning the flames of gossip by participating. 

Situation #2: The Dinner Meltdown

It’s dinner time. You’ve worked all day, come home in a flurry, and put together Taco Tuesday (everyone’s fave). This is your go-to dinner because it checks all of the boxes (moderately healthy and not too difficult and there’s always queso, and who doesn’t love that?). You call your family in to get started, and as your daughter stands over the cute little bowls of lettuce and sour cream and tomatoes, she says in a snarky tone, “Ugh, we have this every week and I’m so over it and why are the taco shells soggy and I hate sour cream.” 

Talk about a trigger for you, sweet Mama! 

Here’s what you do. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Don’t return a snarky comment or look. Keep packing your taco and breathe. 

This non-response IS a response. You don’t have to react to everything she says! It’s like a free pass! Let her make her comment and then live with the consequences. The

consequences do not have to be manufactured by you. She isn’t an idiot, and she’s a really good person inside. She will figure out that her comment was nasty and will feel remorse, eventually. I promise she won’t feel it when you want her to feel it. It’s her decision.

Let’s consider what might happen if you immediately reacted with, “You are the most ungrateful person I know! I worked all day and made this and you don’t even care. You usually love Taco Tuesday! Go to your room!” You are reacting and not responding. Your reaction will throw gasoline on the fire and will result in more unnecessary drama. Also, you are demonstrating in real time that emotional reactions are how adults deal with stressful situations. She is watching you. She is learning how to adult.

By not reacting to her outburst, you are in no way giving in. You aren’t endorsing that behavior. You are simply inserting a brief pause in the festivities: this space is doing the work for you. She knows she is being obnoxious. She might go silent after this, or she might try a couple more times to get an emotional reaction out of you. This is normal. After some time passes, you do need to address her comments (with a response). You can tell her, “You know I adore you, but your comments at dinner were a thing.” Then give her the opportunity to respond and ask her, “What do you think of that?” This opens the doors of possibility and doesn’t shame her for her outburst. I promise you she is already beating herself up enough inside. If she goes silent and doesn’t want to talk, follow up with, “I’m always here if you would like to talk about it.”

Try It, Mama. It Works.

We should get some kind of very large stipend for raising our girls. Their wit, snarkiness, sensitivity, humor, and big feelings combine to present us with daily challenges that

sometimes feel like fighting an uphill battle. But, when you practice responding to her rather than reacting, you will find that she becomes more thoughtful and less reactionary. It is a process and some days you will move one step forward and three steps back, but that is parenting. You’ve got this, Mama.