If you've found this blog post, chances are you're watching your daughter fall for someone you might not be crazy about and are feeling completely powerless about the whole situation.

Working in high schools for 25 years, mostly as an assistant principal, means I sat across from more families than I can count who were white-knuckling their way through this exact situation. These parents found themselves in my office because they caught their daughter sneaking out at midnight to see a boy they couldn't stand, or because they found messages on her phone that made their stomachs drop. They tried everything, nothing was working, and they were out of options.

Now I work with college girls and their moms, and, honestly, the dynamic does not change much when she turns 18. I have coached families through this from the professional side, and I have lived it as a mom. I know this one from every angle. Here's the hard truth:

If she likes him, there is nothing you can do to stop it.

Before you close this tab in anger because you disagree, I invite you to connect with how she is feeling. Put on "Strawberry Wine" by Deana Carter, turn it up loud, sing every single word, and go back in time to when you felt the first pains of love. You'll remember; she feels the exact same way. It's a tale as old as time.

We Try Ourselves to Death

So, when we don't like the person our daughter is crushing on, sometimes we respond with authority. We forbid them from seeing each other. We confiscate the phone, the car, and the weekend plans. We deliver impassioned speeches at the dinner table about college! and futures! and "you are SO much better than this!!"

We stomp. We yell. We cry in the shower.

And then we find out they've been sneaking around anyway (because of course they have).

My friend and colleague Mr. Cordray, Director of Student Services at Reagan High School, puts it plainly: "it's undefeated." He is not wrong.

There's a pretty fascinating psychological phenomenon researchers call the Romeo and Juliet Effect. When parents disapprove of a teen's relationship, it can actually intensify her feelings rather than cooling them down. The more you push, the more she pulls toward him. When you threaten someone's freedom to have something, they want that thing even more. She is doing exactly what teenagers are wired to do.

When we disapprove loudly and consistently, we are doing even more damage. What we sometimes unknowingly affect is how she feels about herself in that relationship, how much she trusts her own instincts, and whether she will come to us when things go sideways. This is the connection piece I preach every day as a Life Coach for College Girls: your relationship with your daughter matters way more than this romantic situation. Our actions through this experience have long lasting consequences.

She's Changed, and That Might Be the Part That Is Breaking You

You are not only worried about the boy. Witnessing her morph into Venus can feel like you're watching your sweet daughter disappear in front of your very eyes.

The girl who used to burst through the front door talking a mile a minute, who had strong opinions about everything, who had a whole world of interests and friends and ambitions has suddenly rearranged her entire universe around this one person. Maybe she dropped the sport she loved. Maybe her mood is now a direct reflection of his. Maybe she shrinks around him, defers, or softens herself in ways that make you want to shake her. You can see it, even if she cannot. I think this is a type of grief parents feel that we don't talk about enough.

Before we go further, here's a bit of hope for you: this is probably temporary. First love has a particular kind of gravity that nothing in her life has prepared her for. She is not choosing him over herself (or you) on purpose, and she probably does not even fully realize she is doing it. This will not last forever.

And here is what we forget because we are so focused on our own worry: she is uncomfortable too. She is insecure. She is lying awake overanalyzing texts and feeling things she has never felt before, with absolutely no idea what to do with any of it. First love is electric and terrifying in equal measure. You probably lost yourself a little in it too back in the day (most of us did).

She is still your sweet girl. She is also a young woman experiencing something enormous and doing her best with a nervous system that is completely flooded. This is when we vow to stay close, stay patient, and trust that this chapter ends. It will, in its own time (it will certainly not follow your chosen timeline, unfortunately).

What To Do Instead

Here are some practical steps you can take when faced with this situation. I invite you to get curious instead of critical.

You can do this by asking her real questions with genuine curiosity using an open, kind tone:

"Tell me what you like about him. I'd love to hear about it!"

"I'm sure he knows how amazing you are. How does he show this to you?"

"Does he make you laugh? Tell me more."

Asking questions does not mean you are endorsing this relationship. You are planting seeds, and she will water them when she is ready.

If you have noticed something seems off or a behavior you don't like, please tell her. Be very clear if your concern has anything to do with her safety.

You could say: "I've noticed that after you spend time with him, you seem down on yourself. I love you, and I just want you to know I see that."

She hears you, and she will think about it more than you know.

Now, do you have to walk around saying "YAY! I'm so happy you're in love with a loser!" Please, for the love of all that is holy, do not do that. You have raised her right: trust her to get there.

Here is one lesson I learned the hard way. Like, the HARD way.

When it ends, do not celebrate and do not unleash every negative thing you have been storing up about him. Do not let your relief show so loudly that she feels stupid for having loved him. There's a very good chance he comes back around at least once (and unfortunately they almost always do). If you spend the breakup telling her exactly what you thought of him, you cannot take that back. I felt like such an idiot when it happened to me; I was ashamed. Hold your tongue, hug her, and let her lead.

Protect your relationship with her above all else. Keep showing up. Keep your silly inside jokes alive. Show up in small, consistent ways: a text, her favorite snack, a surprise shopping excursion, or a voice memo. Your relationship with her is the most powerful protective factor she has.

It's also important to model what a healthy relationship looks like. She is watching how you and your partner treat each other, and sometimes our daughter's behavior triggers us when it mirrors what we don't like about our own relationships. This parenting journey ain't for the faint of heart.

Here Is the Bottom Line

Remember the sage advice from my friend: "it's undefeated."

Accept this. Accepting does not mean you have to agree with it or pretend you think he is the greatest thing since sliced bread. All it means is you stop fighting a reality you cannot change and wasting your precious energy. Why keep fighting when it's undefeated?

Support her. Tell her you trust her, and mean every word of it. She is out there trying to figure out who she is in the middle of one of the most disorienting experiences of her life, and your voice is the one that can anchor her. Please let it be a kind one.

And when it ends, because first love almost always does, you will be the one who shows up and also the one who has been there, steady the whole time. Skip the victory lap and do not make her feel foolish for having loved him. You'll be right there, arms open, and ready to catch her.

She will remember your trust and support long after she has moved on.

She Is Stronger Than You Think

She will find her way back to herself. Especially the girls who have a parent who never stopped believing in who they are, who kept the porch light on, who refused to make the relationship the enemy, and instead made their daughter the priority.

Love without controlling, speak truth without burning the bridge you will need later, and stay steady even when she pulls away. Is it easy? Nope. Can you do it? Yes ma'am you can.

You are stronger than you think you are, and I've always got your back.

🩵, Suzanne

Works Cited

Driscoll, R., Davis, K. E., & Lipetz, M. E. (1972). Parental interference and romantic love: The Romeo and Juliet effect. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 24(1), 1–10. https://doi.org/10.1037/h0033373

Sinclair, H. C., Hood, K. B., & Wright, B. L. (2014). Revisiting the Romeo and Juliet effect: Reexamining the links between social network opinions and romantic relationship outcomes. Social Psychology, 45(3), 170–178. https://doi.org/10.1027/1864-9335/a000181