written by: Suzanne Hanna, Ed.S.

Your college kid is coming home for Thanksgiving, and you’re so excited!

Of course you are. You miss them. You want to hear everything. You want to stare at them, feed them, and get a sense of who they are becoming. You've been dreaming of this holiday for months!

But, as College Girl Life Coach, I can almost promise you this next part.

They’re probably coming home tired. Maybe moody. Maybe a little off. Not because anything is wrong, but because college is a full-body, full-brain experience.

They’ve been sprinting since August. They're exhausted.

Another factor to consider is that you've changed, too.

I remember the first time my college son came home for the holidays and asked me why I was sitting in his spot on the couch.

II wanted to say, "It's because you don't LIVE here anymore, son!" But, we both laughed instead, and I moved over. It was a simple situation that demonstrates how the smallest shifts we make in their absence can be glaringly obvious for them. Get ready for that part, too. The “home” dynamic is different now, even if nobody says it out loud.

And, they’ve changed. A. Lot. Maybe in ways you find absolutely adorable and other ways you find alien.

So before we jump into conversation, I want you to do two things:

1. Lower your expectations of how “present” they’ll be at first.
   Let them sleep. Let them scroll. Let them stare into space for a while. Their nervous system needs a minute.

2. Remember that finals are right around the corner.
   This is not just a break. It’s also the gulp of air before the next huge climb. So emotions might be closer to the surface (for them and for you).

Now let’s talk about what to say instead of the boring, “How are your classes?” Sometimes we accidentally turn the kitchen into an interrogation room without realizing it, and I'm here to help you avoid that.

These questions are easy, specific, and actually fun to answer. They invite real conversation without your kid feeling like they’re on trial.

1. “Who is the grossest person on your hallway? (And spare me no details when explaining why.)”

This one is pure gold.

And, to be clear: we're not inviting gossip. This question lets your kid be dramatic and funny (which is how a lot of college students relax and connect). Just go with it.

You’ll learn more than you think, like:

• what dorm life is really like

• who their people are

• what their tolerance levels are

• what boundaries they’re learning to set

Also, laughing together is the fastest way back into closeness.

2. “Which professor made class fun to attend? What do you think made it fun to learn in that class?”

Most parents ask what they’re learning, but this craftily asks how learning is landing for them.

It shows you care about their experience, not just their performance.

It quietly helps them notice:

• what kind of teaching motivates them

• how their brain works

• what makes them feel capable and engaged

• which professor they actually like and might connect with when back on campus

That’s good self-awareness. And it keeps the ball in their court, which is an essential skill to master when talking to teen and college kids.

One pro tip: DO NOT ASK ABOUT GRADES. NOPE. DON'T.

3. “What did you miss about home that you didn’t think you’d really miss?”

This question is sneaky in the best way because sometimes they don’t realize what they miss until they name it.

You might hear something sweet like:

• “your coffee”

• “my bed”

• “the dog”

• “quiet”

• “knowing where stuff is”

Or you might hear something surprising. Either way, it gives you a little window into their emotional world without pushing.

4. “Who from college do you wish I could meet? Why? And who are you glad I cannot meet? :)”

This is a relationship-builder.

It helps you learn:

• who they’re proud of

• who feels safe

• who they see as “their people”

• who they’re trying to keep on the outside of home life (which is normal)

And when you ask it with a smile, it feels playful instead of invasive.

5. “Tell me two things you’re proud of yourself for accomplishing this semester.”

I love this one because it’s a confidence-builder without being cheesy.

College kids tend to focus on what they didn’t do well enough, and this nudges their attention toward growth and reflection.

And if they struggle to answer? That tells you something too. Sometimes they’re doing hard things and not giving themselves credit.

You can always follow up with: “Ok, I’ll go first. I’ve noticed you’ve gotten better at ___.”

6. “What is the most unlikely friendship that you’ve made? What makes it work?”

College is a friendship lab, and a lot of times students don't give themselves credit for the relationships they've made. They discount relationships that don't equate to "bestie," and that is unhealthy.

This question lets them realize that (without you telling them directly).

This question lets them reflect on:

• differences they’re learning to tolerate

• new types of people they’re letting in

• how they’re growing socially

You’re also reinforcing that friendships don’t have to look a certain way to be real.

7. “What’s your favorite dining hall (or campus) meal? Which one do you avoid at all costs?”

This sounds light — and it is — but it opens the door to real stuff:

• are they eating ok?

• are they taking care of themselves?

• are they adjusting to campus life?

• can they laugh about the weird parts?

Food is comfort. Food is memory. Food is bonding.

Let this one be easy.

8. “If you had to describe your feelings about your upcoming final exams in five words, what would they be?”

This gives you the emotional headline without forcing a 45-minute conversation or lecturing about exam prep.

Five words is a safe container. It's like a goofy haiku (without counting syllables). It helps them name what’s going on without getting swallowed by it.

Just listen and laugh if it's funny and exude warmth if it's challenging.

Sometimes the best support is: “Yeah. That makes total sense.”

9. “Think of the person you were on August 1st. What most surprises you about who you’ve become?”

This is my favorite because it points them to growth without making it a lecture.

They might say:

• “I’m braver than I thought.”

• “I’m actually… happier.”

• “I can handle more than I realized.”

• “I found my people.”

• “I’m a different kind of tired.”

Whatever they say, you’re letting them narrate their own story, and that’s powerful.

10. “Who would you like to get to know better second semester?”

This one is such a good closer because it’s hopeful and forward-looking. It also focuses on relationships and not performance (believe me, they don't need to be grilled about their finals).

It helps them think about:

• what friendships feel worth investing in

• who makes them feel more like themselves

• where they want to belong next semester

• what kind of community they’re building (and how to recognize that it's their responsibility to make this happen--this is key)

And for you, it gives a gentle sense of what their social world is going to look like when they head back.

A quick reminder for moms (so you can actually have fun, too)

Your college kid coming home is the BEST feeling!

They’re still your baby, always. But, they’re also practicing adulthood in real time.

Your job isn’t to pull every detail out of them and drive them to shut down. Your job is to help “home” feel like a place they can land and return to with an open heart and authentic belonging.

Let's have a break that feels good for both of you, and it's helpful to consider connection over control.

Be curious.
Be soft.
Laugh a lot.
Feed them.
Let them rest.

Trust that you can still be close even while they grow up. It's so much fun to see our kids turn into adults that we get to know!