3 Weeks Before Graduation We Made a Tough Decision

Our son was not going to college.

In 2023, just 3 weeks before high school graduation, we decided our son wasn’t going to college.

Yes, he was enrolled at a university that he said he liked and wanted to attend. 

He was registered for classes. He had a dorm room assigned.

Every one of his graduation gifts had Appalachian State University emblazoned upon them.

Yet, he was SO NOT INTO IT. 

It was a struggle to get him to even check his college emails, much less do anything about the emails. 

I was so aggravated with him that I was acting like a jerk. I was so frustrated with his nonchalance.

I should have seen all the signs. They were there and were clear.

I was just stuck in “he has to go to college because he’s so smart and everyone goes to college and this is what kids do…”

Whatever. Enter the dreaded mom guilt.

The Signs

There were signs everywhere, but here are some that I now see were flaming red flags literally smacking us in the face.

1. He showed little to no interest in anything Senior-y. He didn't care about Senior Day. Senior Awards Day? He sat there like he was in line for some kind of midieval torture. Senior Sunrise? He thought that was so stupid and didn't attend. Senior Prom? Didn't go. He did go to his Military Ball, but that was because of a girl, so does that even count?

2. Getting him to respond to anything for college was like pulling teeth. Common App deadlines, transcript requests, scholarship applications, NOPE. He missed the first TWO deadlines for housing and ended up assigned to an old crusty dorm. His response, "I'll be fine."

3. He got put on probation for National Honor Society and could not have cared less. Now, mind you, I was his Assistant Principal at the time and was Little Miss I-Make-Straight-As, so this KILLED ME. The NHS Advisor was a friend of mine, and she sidled up to me in the hallway one day and said, "Suzanne, he needs to do his service hours to be able to wear the cord at graduation." He was already on probation for grades. I told him. He didn't care. He said cords were stupid. Oof.

4. His grades were abysmal. Like, ridiculous. He didn't turn in his work. He didn't read his AP assignments. Did he even take a backpack to school? I don't even know.

5. His French teacher nicknamed him "69.5" because I told him he could not make a D because that was embarassing for ME. So, what did that little shart do? He made the closest number you can round to a 70, which is a C. The calcuating and figuring to even get to that number took effort, and what if that effort had been toward doing the actual work? Told y'all he is a frustrating little cuss!

6. He skipped classes and racked up unexcused absences (I wasn't going to cover for him). Might I remind you that I was his Assistant Principal?? Lort.

This list could go on, but the signs were glaringly obvious.

The Breakthrough

One morning the month before graduation, as I drank my coffee feeling strange and empty and just plain weird, I read an email from EF Tours about a gap semester program, and something in me clicked and somehow I knew this was a viable option.

The Changemaker Gap Semester sounded like something he would die to experience: travel with a group of peers to Costa Rica, Dominican Republic, Ecuador, Peru, and Galapagos Islands while learning environmental sustainability and actively participating in it…I mean, for real?!

I shared the email with my husband, and he was like, whoa, that sounds perfect for him.

(My husband and I had a lot of tension between us at that time. He was convinced our son wasn't ready for college, but I was being stubborn and determined that his little arse was going...I didn't want him home and in community college because I was afraid he would never leave the house or smoke weed all the time or be a gamer in our basement when he was 40.)

So, when we shared the email from EF Tours with our son, his blue eyes lit up (for the first time in FOREVER), and he said, “you’d really let me do this?”

We knew then it was going to happen. 

My heart literally sang in relief, and I cried tears of joy. Why would our kid who always blazed his own trail follow the typical path of others? OF COURSE this was for him.

Then, we had to face the reality of not doing what we said we were going to do (turns out, the process of telling his new plan was the most liberating and exciting time in his whole stupid high school career).

He Withdrew. I Reflected.

We withdrew him from his college.

The university was amazingly supportive and told us they encourage gap years! They said that gap year kids end up being better students. Who knew?

Parents of other Seniors would take me to the side and say, "Suzanne, my kid needs this instead of college."

Teachers at his school were like, "YES! This is perfect for him!"

He spent 13 weeks traveling Central and South America with a group of 25ish kids his age and had the time of his life. 

I literally spoke to him ONE TIME while he was away. Good grief.

Think the boy needed a break from me? Probably. And, you know what? I'm totally okay with that. I needed to get my shit together.

I didn't like the mom I was being to him.

I felt like a nagging pain in his arse.

Then, We Simply Let Him.

After he returned with Amazonian mud permanently stuck in his chucks (because WHY would he wear the outdoorsy and expensive hiking boots I sent with him?) and an ear-to-ear-grin, he was a different person.

He seemed free from whatever had been weighing him down.

Also, we were different parents. 

We didn’t bug him about reapplying to school. 

We didn’t tell him to wake up and go to work. 

We didn’t remind him of his online community college assignments (we didn’t even know what they were).

We let him.

We let the boy live his life.

He is such a fiercely independent human anyway. 

After all, his first sentence as an early talker was, “I do it.” 

How much evidence do parents need?

And, guess what happened?

He figured it out.

He re-applied to college himself. He did all the paperwork. 

He decided on his major (it ended up being connected to his world travels: Sustainable Development) and registered for his classes. He did all the roommate stuff.

We let him.

We trusted him, because I've always told him that I would rather him disappoint me than himself.

And, who was he disappointing by heading to college when it wasn't the right time? Himself.

Now, I'm grateful to report that he’s finishing his first year in college and absolutely loves it. That dude even made the DEAN'S LIST. This is the "69.5" kid, right?

And, good thing he's at Appalachian State University because, remember all the graduation gear?!

Let Go of Your Own Expectations

Sometimes you have to pay better attention to your people. Close, thoughtful attention. 

Let go of your own expectations and let them live their lives.

I encourage you to ask yourself:

This expectation I have for my kid, who does it really belong to:

my kid or me?

It's a simple question that will tell you the truth every time.

In a world of kids who are helicoptered to death by their parents, I'm proud of my son who was brave enough to tell us that he wanted to live his own life. Make his own decisions.

Isn't that what we SAY we want for our kids?

In his always kind but determined way, our son showed us how to let him be himself and to live his life on his own terms, on his own timeline.

He's taught us more than we'll ever teach him.